Show yourself, sell yourself.

So, you've finished your book.

Yeah, it kinda feels just like this.

It's been formatted and edited to a fine sheen, it's nearly perfect. Your cover is a surefire attention grabber. All is well, and you're ready to promote the ever-loving hell out of it. It's time to Rock. And Roll. All night long.
But hold up just a minute there, kid. You're not quite done yet. There's work yet to do, and it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder than convincing people to read your book.
Every successful product needs a brand name to instill trust in the customer, and in the literary world, that brand name is YOU. The Author.

This picture pretty much sums up your reaction, I bet.

That's right, not only do you have to thrust your book into the spotlight, you gotta be in there too. And to many Authors, fresh or seasoned, this idea is as terrifying as anything Lovecraft could ever imagine.

Generally speaking, Authors are a shy bunch for a variety of reasons. You can test this theory by simply looking at some Author's Facebook Profile Pictures. Note how many use pictures of animals, celebrities, cartoon characters, damn near everything but their actual face?
Honestly, if you're doing this, just stop.

It doesn't matter how good it is, nobody wants to read a book written by a chicken.

If you want people to take you (and your work) seriously, you need to show them the 'real' you, warts and all. You may not feel you're photogenic enough, and you may be right, but how many of us are?
Unless you're Michael Ness, that is.

Hello Ladies.

Seriously, look at this guy. Ridiculously Photogenic Author Guy indeed. That's some daunting shit for most of us right there, but your face is your logo for your name brand. You need to show it, readers like a face to associate with the book.
Another point to consider is that if you're going to use your own picture, choose carefully. Not just any old picture will do. You'll want to choose an existing picture, or even take a new one that portrays you as a representative of whatever genre you write in. For instance, if you write Erotica, don't use something like this:

Hello? Ladies?

Probably not the image you're going for, is it? Get a razor, get rid of the camo, and clean it up. On the same page, if you write Horror, don't use a picture with you smiling in unbridled bliss at the beach.

So now you've chosen a good visual representation of yourself and your work, you're all done, right?
No. Sit back down, we're not done quite yet.
You may be familiar with the recent Chelsea Cain flustercluck. If not, here's a quick recap:
She recently went 'full retard', and lambasted her own fans for 'asking stupid questions'. She quickly recanted when she was spanked by her publisher for being an idiot, and went ahead and pretty much said the same thing again, but in a slightly different way. She lost a LOT of current fans, and alienated many more potential readers because of it.
Handy Hint? Don't EVER do anything like that. It's like shooting your writing career straight in the face.
Although at times it may be tough, but since you're the 'face' of your product, you have to maintain some sort of professional decorum pretty much at all times. I'm not saying you have to be a suck-up ass kisser to your fans, but damn it, don't be an asshole when fans want to interact with you and dare to ask questions you may feel are stupid. Logically if you treat them like unworthy crap you scrape off of your shoe, eventually no one will want to read the book you worked so hard to put out, and you'll end up wallowing in a pit of nothingness that you yourself dug. Without readers, an Author has no purpose. Always remember that.

The Bad, The Trolls, and The Confusing. (Reviews.)

Today I want to talk about reviews, specifically BAD reviews. We all get them, EVERYBODY gets them, whether you're an Author or not. None are safe!
I can recall my first 'bad' review back when I was 5 years old or so. I had drawn a picture of a Chinese boat and showed it to my Ma. She looked it over and made a comment about 'Junk'.
I was devastated. Crushed. Hurt beyond words! I worked so hard on that picture, and the one whom I was trying to impress the most had called it 'Junk'!
I found out after my total meltdown, that Chinese boats were actually called 'Junks'
Oops.
It still hurt like a bitch though.
Bad reviews hurt, and they hurt real bad. Some are legitimate, some exist primarily to crush your spirit, and some are just downright confusing.

Wait...you admittedly don't like Vampires, but you read 'Vampire Beach Blanket Bonanza' anyway? The Hell?

Now, your first instinct will be to comment or reply to the reviewer to perhaps explain why they might have it 'wrong'. Ignore that instinct, don't say anything, it doesn't help and it kinda makes you look like a douche. If you're an Author, you DON'T want to look like a douche.
But not all bad reviews are 'bad', some can give legitimate critiques that you can learn from, to grow as an Author, to help you put a finer edge on your work. That's not to say that they still don't hurt, someone is still saying negative things about your 'baby'. Just treat these as advice from a concerned Grandparent.


"Oh Dear, your narrative prose is as dry as my Christmas turkey...you need some gravy."

Next, we'll cover the 'bogus' reviews, these are pretty easy to spot with a trained eye. These reviews are posted by someone who has nothing better to do than kick sand in your face. They'll eviscerate you mercilessly, and say horrible, horrible things. But you may notice that these reviews contain barely, if any, references to anything contained in your book. Goodreads is notorious for it's Troll Population. They allow 'reviewers' to do reviews without any confirmation that they actually read it, and the Trolls take full advantage of this.
Case In Point: Somewhere along the line, I must have REALLY upset 'Mike' (Imagine that.). He gave every single one of my releases One Star, even the ones no longer in print! Further investigation revealed that 'Mike' had only ever reviewed MY books. If you receive what you believe is a 'bogus' review, do some digging and you'll likely find it to be a personal attack for some reason or another. Dismiss these reviews, everybody else will. Seasoned Authors and Readers can spot these a mile away.

Artist's Rendition.

Now that we've discussed bad reviews and ways to deal with them, now we can shift gears and discuss a good way to (maybe) prevent them.

Editing.
Whether you're fortunate enough to be able to afford one, or like many of us, have to do it yourself. Editing is an absolute necessity. But it's not an absolute one-stop save-all though. I've caught a few errors in even Stephen King's books, and you can imagine what HIS editors must rake in.
If many of your bad reviews have to do with 'editing' issues, perhaps it's time to either A: Let someone else do it, or B: Get a better editor.
Recently, a certain pretentious douchebag that shall remain nameless...

^He kinda looks like this.

Stated that Editors changed the voice of the Author, thereby, making the finished work not entirely the Author's...
Just let the stupidity of that remark sink in for a moment.
Are you fully basted yet? Good. Carrying on.
That statement came from an 'Author' that proudly admitted that he's never used an Editor, and holy Hell does it shine through in his work.
Think of Editors as the 'Personal Trainers' of the literary world. The Authors do the bulk of the work, while the Editor is there to help you along, keep you motivated, and generally to 'tone you up'.
If your Editor starts doing the lifting for you, it's time to get another one.
Keep in mind that getting a good Editor doesn't guarantee that your finished product will be absolutely flawless, even the Great Ones put out 'flawed' work, despite their Editors being extremely well compensated.
So, the short and skinny of this ramble is learn from the 'critical' reviews and ignore the 'Troll' reviews.
As for the confusing ones? I wish I could help with that, I'm still trying to figure them out myself.

Hey, you never know...

Those of you that have tuned in yet again, know that I have a bit of a 'reputation', as it were. Certain terms have been thrown around, such as 'infamous', or 'Elitist Smasher' and so on. If you've read a few of my blog posts thus far, you'd probably be inclined to agree.
I just CAN'T tolerate bullying, and in the literary world, literary Elitists are the worst. They hit new Authors where it hurts the most, right in the ol' 'Hopes And Dreams'.

Coincidentally, 'Hopes And Dreams' are primarily located in the crotchetal area.
 

They will try to discourage you, mock you, nit-pick at your work, and sometimes even go as low as to outright insult you, all from atop their self-constructed pedestal all for the sole purpose of telling you that you aren't good enough to play with the big kids, hoping you'll leave the playground and go home.
My advice? Stand your ground and proclaim your right to be in this playground, it's big enough for everybody. How you do so is completely up to you, but do something.

I wont name any names, but one of them in particular kinda looks like this guy here.

They will often mock you from behind such ironclad defenses known as 'degrees' because they feel that it gives them the 'right' or 'authority' to do so. It absolutely fucking does NOT. They want you to think that THEY are the ones you need to impress to 'make it', and if you fail to do so, you're worthless. The funny thing is that if you do a little digging and look into these people, you'll often find the reason for their unwarranted bitterness with Indies as a whole. They couldn't/ can't hack it in 'Traditional Publishing' and refuse to get with the times, and channel their frustration on the more 'evolved' Authors. Some even go so far as to create a publishing house for themselves to create the illusion of being 'Traditionally Published', even though they're every bit as Indie as the rest of us.
It's kinda sad if you stop and think about that for a moment.

This is how they secretly see themselves, and in turn, expect from you.

In writing, there is only ONE entity you need to be concerned about impressing, that would be yourself. If you want to be successful, you'll want to add a second: The Reader. And when The Reader comes into play, your satisfaction with your work is secondary. Your future in this business lies solely with THEM, no one else. Just how far you go, depends on who your readers are. Be it an agent, a representative of a Publisher, or just a rabidly voracious 'casual' reader. If you can reach out and touch these readers appropriately (Or inappropriately, if you write Erotica) you're already in the game.
The Elitists and Trolls don't even factor into it at all, they don't get to make the decision on your worth, after all you're not writing for them, ARE you? You better not be, or I'll get out the ol' 'Learnin' Stick.'

AKA: The Board Of Education.

They say that there is a book for every reader, and in turn a reader for every book. It doesn't matter if you've written a brochure depicting a step by step hand sanitizing technique if you ever find yourself without toilet paper or the mind blowing adventures of a paraplegic chimney sweep in Victorian Era London. Someone, somewhere WILL want to read it. Will you be able to retire from your day job and live it up in a castle like J.K. Rowling after publishing? That's not for me to say, nor anyone else. Write whatever you want, whatever is in your heart of hearts, if you try hard enough, you WILL connect with someone.
Maybe your book on Amish Blacksmithing Techniques will be all the rage if we ever get roundhouse kicked back to the stone age, hey, you never know...

We. Are. Family.

Let's start off this post with a little something I wrote for my fellow Indies.

If you've read my very first post, you may recall how I lamented about breaking into the 'biz' and being confronted with crass 'Elitism', and the Elitist treatment of new authors. To this day, this ridiculousness continues, but on a much, MUCH smaller scale. You see, since then, we Indies have established ourselves as a burgeoning new dominant species in the literary world. We have put our collective feet down and stood our ground, even gaining ground in some aspects. Baby steps to be sure, but we ARE advancing toward our goals, whatever they may be.
Our only obstacles? The Elitists that will try and break our spirit, and attack us with outdated ideologies. They will tell us that we're not 'real' writers due to not having a publishing contract, or God forbid, scholastic credentials that apparently serve as 'The Golden Ticket into the club. They will dismiss us and cut us down whenever they can, just because they BELIEVE they can. They also believe that traditional publishing is the only way to go. These Elitists suffer from what I like to call 'Keith Richards Syndrome', they're dead and have been for some time, they just aren't aware of it.
It's almost kinda sad.


It was a joke, Keith. Calm down.

 

I could go on for ages about Elitists, but I won't. They get far too much airtime as it is, and this is my Goddamn show, so let's leave them to slowly wither and rot, shall we?

The title of this post is 'We. Are. Family.' Meaning the community of Indie Authors.  It's an analogy, and as I've mentioned in another post, I LOVE analogies.
So let's break this one down.
We are not a perfect family, we're not The Cosby's or whatever the current 'perfect family' may be at the moment. We bicker, we argue, we disagree, we might even come to blows if not protected by the anonymity of the Internet. Good thing that Virtual Reality never really took off, eh?
But despite the petty grumblings, we are a close-knit family that supports and encourages each other, at least for the most part. There are a few of us that haven't quite let go of the 'old ways' and still maintain hope that getting that contract will be their salvation from obscurity into the limelight.
And as much as it hurts to admit, they have a bit of a point.

Hurts, don't it?

The one thing that we, as Indies, haven't quite got the grasp of yet, is breaking down that wall that separates us from The Big Timers. Sure, some of us can compete with The Big Timers in a literary sense, I've read many an Indie book that wouldn't be out of place on those hallowed bookshelves, we can edit, or employ someone to edit with the best of them. If that were the only criteria, many of us would be doing quite well for ourselves, but alas, without the 'Brand Name' of a reputable publisher backing us, getting our name out there is like ice skating uphill. There is only so much we can do by ourselves, but Goddamn it, we are fighting the good fight. We do things that The Big Timers never have to do.

It ain't easy.

Just in case you didn't get the reference, I'm referring to what's being called 'Pimping' in the Indie world. We promote ourselves shamelessly almost to the point of embarrassment, we post relentlessly about our books, we give away our books hoping to gain an audience, beg for reviews, almost anything to draw attention to ourselves. Some of us don't like to do these things and would rather be writing and/or anything else that may resemble a living, breathing social life. But we HAVE to, or at least rely on others to help spread the gospel. That's where the word 'Family' comes into play.

Kinda like this, only not.

If you manage to make enough like minded friends, and find enough happy readers, you don't have to go it alone. Most other Indies will be happy to throw your name around, either out of the goodness of their heart or in exchange for you throwing THEIR name around, a fair enough exchange, no? Happy readers will also help out in this aspect, simply because they love your work, and feel that everyone else should too. Is it as effective as having your book plastered across two pages in the new York Times? Sadly, no. But as my good friend, Michael Ness says: "It's a marathon, not a sprint."
And he is absolutely right, if you're in this biz seeking instant gratification for all of your hard work, I have four words for you.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or discourage anyone from trying, mind you. Just advising you to prepare for a long and arduous journey. There WILL be times where it seems hopeless and hard, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. You'll want to pack it in and give up, especially when you see The Big Timers raking it in, and you know in your heart of hearts that some of them suck dry hyena ass (Patent Pending). I know of more than a few great Indies that doubt themselves a lot more than they should because their ship hasn't quite come in yet. But that is when you turn to the 'Family', share your concerns, your doubts, your frustrations. For the most part, you will find support, encouragement, a shoulder to cry on if need be, because that's what a family is supposed to do.
What you absolutely must NOT do, is take heed of the naysayers (read: Elitists) that will prey on your doubts, your fears, if only to stroke their own unfounded egos. If confronted with one, you have two choices: You can ignore them and hope they go away back to the dark recess of their own fears and doubts, or you can do what I do and go straight for their throat, leaving them a twitching mass of detritus in the gutter, leaving them to regret ever crossing your path in the first place.

Pictured: The Aftermath.

If you enjoyed my quote at the top of the post, please feel free to cut, paste, and share it wherever you want. I wrote it for all of us who walk this path.

All's Faire...

It's a beautiful morning in 17^th century Tuscany, Italy as a breeze blowing in from the sea cools my brow as I sit and listen to a drunken pirate sitting on a barrel sing a song of love lost...

The scene is shattered like a dropped bottle of rum as a deafening roar drowns out the heartfelt shanty, but it is not the roar of a leviathan seeking revenge on unwary sailors, it's the unmuffled exhaust of a Harley Davidson motorcycle cruising down Main Street, not 100 feet away.

The unwelcome interruption slams me back into Lower Lake, California in the year 2014. A mother in jeans and high heels along with her young son in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle T-Shirt momentarily block my view of the pirate, who despite the interruption continues strumming on his guitar and singing away with more feeling and emotion than you'll hear from any of today's recording artists.

As the motorcycle continues on it's way and the mother and son pass, the shopkeep directly across from me steps out from his stand and joins the pirate for the second verse. I am whisked back into Tuscany and immersed once again in the local flavour.

It's a beautiful moment not found anywhere else but a Renaissance Faire.

While most people in this country celebrated the Memorial Day weekend with friends and family gathered around 'ye olde barbeque', I spent mine amongst Pirates, Knights, Ogres, Queens, and Noblemen amongst a great many more interesting characters.

To many 'Mundanes', or us 'regular people', the Ren Faire is a fun place to spend a day, buying all manner of trinkets, drinking a beer or two, or maybe even eating a turkey leg. To most of us Mundanes, the people who attend these Faires in 'Garb' (Don't call them costumes!) are just enjoying a silly hobby. Just something to do on the weekend just like they are, but this Ren Faire being my second and my being fortunate enough to get an inside view on it, I can tell you 'hobby' is the worst description you can cast on it. It's almost an insult.

For a great many of the attendees, performers, artisans, and vendors, it is a way of life, plain and simple. For most, this isn't just something to do for kicks, it's their entire livelihood. It's how they pay their bills in the 'real world'. If you see a man selling handmade leather goods or a lady plying her beautiful handmade jewelry, chances are that this is their sole source of income. These master craftsmen (craftspeople?) aren't in it for the money, as their sales can vastly change from Faire to Faire it's not exactly a stable source of income. Some even don't really charge for their services, such as face painting or telling you your fairy name. They simply provide fun things for the children to do. These folks rely solely on donations. I know of one that was just hoping to cover transportation costs.

Like I said. For the love.

All of them do it for the love of the whole experience, an experience each of them greatly contribute to. They dress in period garb, speak in period speech, in effect fully becoming a character out of history or fantasy. And during my time amongst them, I've rarely seen them 'break character', and never in front of the Mundanes. You just can't find a wholly immersive experience anywhere else like you can at a Ren Faire.

The performers or 'actors' play an equally large role in everything, many of them just walk around and interact with each other and the Mundanes and behave just as their characters would. Pirates will sometimes be hired by nobility to settle debts, and argue about the price afterward. A young squire will abscond with his beloved that has been betrothed to another, and be chased down through the streets beloved in hand, trying to escape the clutches of a furious Baron. Sometimes criminals are dragged through the streets in stocks to be humiliated by the masses. You really never know what's going to randomly happen at any given moment.

Sometimes the experience can even spill out into the 'real world', as witnessed in a ceremony where a local young man was officially 'Knighted' with all the bells and whistles before he was sent off overseas to serve his country as a medic.

Never before have I seen such a sense of brotherhood, of camaraderie, of family.

It's a family I'm proud to be a part of, if just for a weekend or two a year.

On a side note, be nice to Bob from Accounting, he just might be a battleaxe wielding Ogre in disguise.

There's been quite a bit of hubbub lately about Facebook limiting how many people can see posts from a 'Fanpage', and understandably so. Speaking for myself, I have 1'344 Fans on mine, and when I post something, only a 'chosen few' are able to see it.

I cannot confirm or deny that these are the 'Chosen Few' I'm talking about.

 

 

Some would argue that it's simply a matter of Facebook trying to make a quick buck off of Indie Authors, Musicians, Artists, what have you. If you want more people to see your posts, you're gonna have to pay for it. The problem is that many of these 'Artists', myself included, are simply not in a position to throw extra money at promotions. We do well enough to put food on the table and a roof over our heads, some more than others. Most of us started utilizing Facebook as a means to promote our works, and for a while it was wonderful. FREE Promotion, Yay!



With all the money I'm saving on promoting, I can afford to eat TWICE this week!

 

 

Now, as expected when something is free, people flocked to it like, well...

 

You get the picture.

 

Now, ALSO as expected, this creates a problem. That problem being 'OVERSATURATION'.

 

At this point in the Blog, I'm going to have to ask everyone to stay calm and not reach for the torches and pitchforks. (What's with you people and torches and pitchforks anyway?) I'm about to say something that may shock and/or enrage you.

Seriously, hear me out. You guys are ridiculous.

 

 

Facebook has a very good reason for limiting how many people see our posts.

 



Goddamn it, wouldn't making a salad instead be a better usage of your time?

 

It goes back to the somewhat necessary 'Caps Locked' OVERSATURATION I mentioned earlier.

Facebook users are allowed to 'Like' somewhere in the neighborhood of 5'000 pages, but most users 'Like' on average probably at LEAST 100. Just for shits and giggles we consider what would happen if Facebook showed you EVERY SINGLE post from every page you 'Like'? 

That's right, your Newsfeed is gonna be bombarded by every one of those pages, every time they post something. Even on one's 'personal' page, Facebook limits the amount of people that see each other's posts.

So, ask yourself...how many people are on your Friend's List? How many pages do you 'Like'? Can you look me straight in the eye and say that you seriously want to see EVERY SINGLE POST from EVERY SINGLE ONE of them?

Statistically speaking, even for a 'Casual' Facebook user, there simply isn't enough hours in the day to keep up with the deluge of Notifications you're gonna get hit with.

Not even THIS guy has the time.

 

So, all in all, the limitations SUCK, but they're there for a reason. Charging us saps to allow more views is the only conceivable way to wrangle the beast. Again, this SUCKS, but it's a necessary evil, because while EVERYONE wants all of their posts seen, NOBODY wants to see each and every one of everybody elses.

Now that I'm done playing 'Devil's Advocate', here's a cool picture of Al Pacino:

"Whattaya mean only 24 people saw my post??? I'm Al Frickin' Pacino!!!"

 







Welcome To The Machine (A.K.A. Wooly Bully)

A newborn Author being brought into the world is a beautiful thing, new to the world and full of promise and unlimited potential.


Quit your bitching, that book won't write itself, y'know...
 

And much like an actual newborn Human child, an Author's impact on the world relies heavily on how it's raised. For example, a spoiled child will be raised to think that the universe revolves around them and they can do no wrong, believing that they are the next big thing, a New York Times Bestselling Author in the making! And who is usually responsible for those beliefs? The people who raise them up. In an Author's case, this would fall upon the shoulders of whomever reads their work before it is unleashed upon the world. As I tell all new Authors that happen across my path, the absolute WORST thing you can do is let close friends, family, and other assorted loved ones read your material in the beginning.
"But Mr. Osborne!" You bellow, "They all say I'm great, I'm the next big thing! They encourage me to keep writing!"


"You're gonna be bigger than Stephen King, I just know it!"

Therein lies the problem.
Those people are going to tell you what you want to hear, thinking that they have your best interests at heart, building your confidence and placing you ever so gently on a golden pedestal. So you publish your work via self-publishing or God forbid, a Vanity Press! (Get thee behind me, Satan!)
You're on top of the world!
Then the 'real world' comes a calling, and suddenly people are (Gasp!) criticizing you! Telling you that you're not as wonderful as Mommy and Daddy promised, and Holy Hell does it hurt, it hurts BAD. 'How dare they say those mean things? They're just jealous of my amazing talent!'

"But...But..."

 

 

Now, before you start lighting the torches and sharpening the pitchforks, hear me out for a minute. I'm not saying that you might suck just because you're relying on biased opinions meant to spare your feelings. You might be actually on to something, and could very possibly be the next Stephanie Meyer! (Please Don't Be.) What I'm saying is that before you get your hopes up, let 'qualified' people take a look at what you got, and while you may be fortunate enough to already know 'qualified' people, there's a very good chance they'll just tell you what you want to hear. 

Other Authors, Bloggers, and a nearly infinite amount of readers out there will be more than happy to look at your 'baby' and give a completely unbiased opinion, but prepare yourself...

 

They might say 'mean' things. They'll tell you what you NEED to hear, and you may not like it. In fact, some of it may crush your immortal soul, but this is not necessarily a bad thing.

 



Get used to making this face is what I'm saying.

 

This is called a 'learning experience', take the advice given for what it is.

Help.

Most Indie Authors, Bloggers, and Readers are supportive to inhuman levels, they're just trying to help you along on your path to fulfilling your dream. Listen to them. Learn from the negatives. Sure, there may be a few 'Trolls' that have nothing better to do than make your life miserable, but majority rules here. If there's only a few naysayers, and a great many more supporters, just ignore the Trolls, everyone else will.

Feed off of their hate and let it empower you and make you strong.

"One Star for using a Oxford Comma?!?"

 

The 'spoiled' children out there will likely think of this honest criticism as 'Bullying', and to them I say, "Grow the hell up." Whomever promised you that this particular business is all 'Puppies and Rainbows' was utterly full of shit.

 

*Results not guaranteed.

 

It can be a tough, scary world out there for the unprepared, so be prepared. People will say mean things, they will make you reconsider your dreams and doubt yourself, sometimes on a daily basis. It's going to be a rough road, so it's best to develop a thick skin early on and strap on a helmet.

Or better yet...

 

In closing, I'd like to add that if you're unable to withstand any negativity or criticism of any kind, just stop where you are and turn back, because it doesn't matter how good you are or how popular you become, there will always be someone more than happy to kick you square in the babymaker just because they can. No one is safe. King, Rowling, Hemingway, Shakespeare, Rice, ALL of them have had angry villagers beating down their doors riled up for a lynching, so take a page out of their book, fortify your defenses and you just might survive the night.

 

*Results not guaranteed, but far more likely.